LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

From my book : POLITICALLY CORRECT BEDTIME STORIES

There was once a young person called Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of the large wood. One day, her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and help engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full mental and physical health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

On the way there, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The wolf said, "You know my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive to the extreme, but i will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress which caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked along the main path. But, because his status outside society freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and jumped into bed.

Red Riding Hoood arrived and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium free snacks to salute you in a role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." The wolf said, "Come closer, child, so I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much and forgiven much my dear."
"Grandma, what big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way"
"It has smelled much and forgiven much my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf said, "I'm happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood with the intent of devouring her. She screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a woodchopper. He burst into the cottage and tried to intervene. But as he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the wolf stopped. "And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper blinked and was speechless. "Bursting in here and trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seize the woodchopper's axe and cut his head off. After the ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

HA HA HA HA